Tuesday, February 12, 2013

what goes through my mind when i go to the gym

 A friend emailed this to me. I don't know its origins, but it is AMAZING.

OK…here we are. Ready to exercise. Gymming it up! Really gonna go after it today. No more half-assing it on the stationary bike and reading old People magazines. NO! Today we get serious. But first, a little stretching. GOTTA STRETCH. Oh yeah, that’s nice. Real loose. Don’t want to get hurt, because this workout is gonna be PSYCHO. Whew, that feels good! I swear, if stretching before a workout was an Olympic sport, I’d totally get the Gold Medal. OK, Bronze. OK, no medal, but I’d be good at watching it on TV. Hmmm. I’m kinda thirsty. Water break!…The question is…on which machine do I start my fitness revolution? That elliptical over there is free, but… it’s close to the window. Probably pretty drafty. Don’t wanna get sick. Then there’s the treadmill in the corner, but I saw a guy fall on it once, mighta messed up the alignment. Better steer clear. Once you’re known as Fall Off The Treadmill Guy you might as well just switch gyms. You know what? I better take a little stroll around the place to assess my options. Five or six laps, probably, just to be safe…right after I have a little more water….Ooooh, the room with all the weights. I’d really like to go in the room with all the weights. That seems to be where the real work gets done. But it’s terrifying in there. All the men are gigantic, and I’m sure the second I walk in someone will ask me to spot them, and I don’t really get what that means, so then he’ll probably end up dead. And there’s a disproportionate amount of grunting. OH! Open treadmill! Run! THANK GOD I STRETCHED!…Alright, here we are, having a nice little jog. Feels pretty good actually. This is nice. A little heat in my legs, a little sweat on my forehead. Whew! Look at me go. Why don’t we turn up the speed here a little and….HOLY SHIT IS THAT FAST! 4.5 miles per hour?! What? I instantly feel like I’m going to die. How do you know your lung has collapsed? Does it make a sound, or does it just hurt terribly? Because I’m pretty sure I just heard a sound…Really? I’m at the only machine with a broken television? How does this happen every time?! Let’s see what the guy next to me is watching…golf?! GOLF?! The only show that’s more awful than just working out?! Whatever. Go ahead, dude, give me that look that says “don’t watch over my shoulder.” I don’t care. The distraction of that TV is the only thing that’s keeping me alive right now…Hmmm…it says I’ve burned 23 calories. That’s pretty good, right? So when is the absolute soonest I can eat a Snickers ice cream bar? Why is everyone here so attractive? Aren’t we supposed to be working out? My face looks like a watermelon that’s about to explode, and my t-shirt now holds more liquid than a Great Lake. Meanwhile that chick over there looks spectacular. Honestly, I don’t dress that nice to go out on a date! Not sure who that says more about, me or her. Oh God, and she’s wearing makeup. Who puts on makeup to go to the gym? Is there a red carpet portion of the evening I’m not aware of? Aaaaaaand I’m pretty sure I just tore my achilles…11 minutes?!?! You’re telling me I’ve only been on this devil machine for 11 MINUTES? I swear to god, I will kill you, treadmill computer. I will break in here in the middle of the night and stab you in your guts, and the world will applaud me for doing it. OH! I still have some water left!…Oh no, the guy that smells is walking over. I hate you, Guy That Smells. There must be some way to handle this. I should tell him. I mean, I’d want to know if I smelled so bad that people couldn’t stand within five feet of me. Look! Even that nice old man he walked past knows he stinks. He wincing! That’s clearly a “you stink” wince! And that guy’s really old. He musta smelled a lot of really bad stuff in his day. OK. I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna be the one that fixes this. When Guy That Smells walks by, I’m gonna motion him over, very polite, and quietly suggest he give his gym clothes a wash. Look at me. Making changes, fixing lives. Children will learn of me one day in their textbooks as The Great Ambassador! Here he comes, I’ll just give a little wave and– OH GOD! It smells SO AWFUL. Retreat! He got too close! It’s burning. My nose is burning! Stop waving, he’ll walk away. STOP WAVING!!!…Alright, we get it, 65 year-old vixen. You’re in very good shape. But please, I’m begging you. Buy looser pants…She’s running faster than me, isn’t she? Yep, she is. I’m officially in worse shape than a Golden Girl…Now look, we set this treadmill for 40 minutes, so we’re staying on the damn thing for 40 minutes. There is no way we are ending this workout a minute under—OOPS. I hit cool down. I accidentally hit the cool down button! Now we’re just at walking speed. I mean, I could crank it up again, but I’m out of a water, which is a serious medical concern. So…good work. Done for the day. At least I don’t have to be this miserable again for another…24 hours! Sigh.

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

so long sweet summer

It's been awhile (and it's been a summer) - but I'm back in action. We're all moved out of the shore house and I'm ready for fall and all of the fun fall activities.

Fall bucket list:
  • Run a 5k (HoBOOken 5k and Turkey Trot already in the works)
  • Giants games/tailgating
  • Pumpkin/apple picking
  • Haunted hayrides
  • The Hunt!
I always have lofty plans that don't end up happening. But I think my bucket list is completely do-able!

What are your fall favorites? Besides the pumpkin lattes of course!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Shorts in January

The virus is gone and this girl is back! Since I've been gone:

The Giants have made it to the SUPERBOWL!
my good luck charm is really my g-men underwear. i swear!

I traveled to Brooklyn, where I TRIED to gallivant with hipsters, but instead heard the most amazing acoustic music by some of my favorite bands with fabulous friends.
there's a fine line between hipster and homeless!

I've been running my ass off. IN SHORTS. This has been a pretty amazing January for those of us in the Northeast. We've had some days in the 50's. And only one snow (not counting the freakish Halloween snow storm). I was psyched to get off the dreadmill and run outside a few times.

While the running is going well, I swear I'm hungry all the time! This led to Margarita Monday:  in the form of delish mexican food and margs, Vegan Tuesday: unfulfilling until I realized there was a 16 Handles a few blocks away, Restaurant Week Wednesday: West Five Supper club in Hoboken has the best crab and artichoke dip, but the shots of Jameson are optional.

I ignored all phone calls and texts today and came home after work, relaxed, did my taxes, and got in a good run. I'm blogging from my big, fabulous bed and it feels great to be home tonight.

Most importantly, I stuck with my running schedule despite a busy week. How do you balance exercise with real life?

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dear Virus, You suck!

So my laptop has been infected! My dad says it's not a virus and he can fix it but I'm feeling lost without my computer - and I'm sure the blogosphere is feeling lost without me (one can only hope)!

I'm blogging from my iPhone tonight-now that's dedication! And I've found what might be my first race of 2012: Fool's Run in Manasquan, NJ

I'm hoping to squeeze another short race or two in before then so that I'll be really ready for this one! I've found some running friends but since none of us live that close we just have to check in with each other about our running! Of course we do live close enough to have indulged in some fabulous Italian food at Patsy's tonight! But today was a rest day and I resisted having ice cream!

I'm notorious for rewarding myself (even with workout goals) with food. What are some good non-caloric treats? I love working towards a goal!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

The First Run of 2012

It might've taken me almost a week to do it, but I'm back in the game. I went for a run yesterday in the glorious, 50-something-degree weather that NJ has been blessed with. It felt amazing to be outside running. But this wasn't my first foray into cardio this year.

I started out the week bowling with my dear friend Carol. I always forget how much I love to go bowling. I also forget how badly I suck at it.

But back to the run. I've been on the treadmill so much I forgot how nice it is to breath fresh air and see something besides a green wall (the gym in my building is not particularly well designed). If these unseasonably warm days can continue (and it's looking like the will) I will be a happy camper!

Speaking of camp, when I was running last night (and petrified of getting lost in my own complex), I actually felt like I was at summer camp! Did your camp look anything like this:
If I'm being realistic, my camp didn't look much like this photo either, but I'm telling you, while I was running, I felt like I was back at Town and Country, wearing a scrunchie and trying to get out of instructional swim.

I'm still working on my to-do list for 2012. I think I should get until the end of January to make a final list. And I might even be able to cross something off the list before it's posted :)

Does the weather effect your exercise habits? I usually do well in the cold weather months, but nothing beats being outside!

Monday, January 2, 2012

Hammy New Year!

Happy 2012!

My extended weekend included amazing music, fabulous friends, a lot of food, and even more drinks.

the star of our nye show. the ham.

I'm a bad blogger. My camera (with so many pictures on it that it died at the end of the night) did not make it home with me after my weekend shenanigans. Thankfully, it is not lost, but I left it at a friend's house, so when I see him, you'll see pictures. Until then, I'll be making do with iPhone shots and ones I steal from everyone else's Facebook.

I'm still working on my list of things I'd like to do in 2012, but I know that running some small races in preparation of a half marathon will definitely be part of it. I'm thankful I live so close to the greatest city in the world (New York, duh!) where there are so many fun runs to choose from.

But for now, I need to see who gets eliminated from The Bachelor. Yup, I said it. Major drama already. I might not tolerate drama in my real life, but you better believe I love it on television. Do you like trashy reality television too?

Thursday, December 29, 2011

First Annual Wolfpack Christmas/Hanukkah/Festivus

Nothing beats celebrating the holidays over and over again. Especially after the fact! Unlike my teacher friends, I had to go back to work on Tuesday, so having a post-Christmas celebration to look forward to on Wednesday was a perfect way to break up the week!

The decorations at my place are still going strong - even if the stockings are a bit lighter. The tree has gained new decorations, in the form of these gorgeous dangly earrings from my roomie/bestie Nic:

I'm thankful that I have friends who know me so well! And with this being such a short week (I'm taking Friday off to start New Year's early in Atlantic City), a Wednesday night shindig was a perfect way to break things up.

But I'm still working on 100 things to do in 2012. Expect to see them after January 1.  Until then, I'm still brainstorming. I want 100 meaningful, yet totally doable goals. HELP!